I’m learning that I don’t do very well at processing things. I am, however, very good at ignoring them. I don’t know why but telling friends and family about the things that are troubling me always seems like attention-seeking. It’s not, obviously it’s not, but I can’t seem to get around this barrier well enough where sharing things doesn’t seem awkward.
I believe some part of my depression stems from the inability to deal with issues as they happen, leading to unexpected bursts of crushing sadness that I am incapable of fighting. I’m sure it’s a self-esteem issue, where I intrinsically value other peoples’ problems more than my own and therefore feel silly trying to share with them.
For me to progress as a person I need to start putting myself first and understand that my life and my problems are just as meaningful as others’.
On Friday I was told that I have to have spine surgery at some point in the near future. Just typing it is very difficult. I am scared. I have seen spine surgery first-hand and it was brutal, though I understand its necessity. My friends know that this surgery will happen but I was unable to express how I really felt about it so ended the confession with jokes and the assurance that it’s not happening now so I’m not too bothered. I am very bothered.
I am overwhelmed with university work, and unable to ignore the tensions at home. I need to figure out what’s best for my health, and whether I am going on the right path to ensure it.